Props to Lyrical Villain for this idea!
So there’s this trend that goes around in military circles where people compile lists of things their superior officers have forbidden them from doing. Usually wild, silly things.
And who do we know that’s silly with superior members above them in a uniformed organization?
Things I’m not allowed to do in the Org
Soooo… These are things that Saïx is making me write down ’cause he’s tired of repeating himself, I guess? Uhh, anyway…
I. I’m not supposed to break into Saïx’s office…
II. Even if I’m just trying to cheer him up! If there were more balloons in there, he’d be less mad and scary all the time.
III. I can’t hide trash in Vexen’s room.
But no one said I can’t laugh at him trying to find it, heheh.
IV. If an idea makes me laugh for more than three seconds, Marly said I can’t do it.
I’m getting reeeaally good at laughing shorter.
V. If Axel or Xiggy say I should do something, I… Probably really shouldn’t.
How come they never get in trouble??
VI. My title is Melodious Nocturne, not Couch Overseer.
VII. It’s rude to flood someone’s room, and being a mean brute who deserves it doesn’t make it okay… XALDIN.
VIII. I can’t refuse to answer to anything but “Almighty Master of Water and Music, not necessarily in that order”.
or can I
I’ve been told I really really can’t.
IX. I’m not allowed to reject missions by saying I’m not the right guy for the job.
X. I can’t talk over Saïx to explain I’m really really the right guy for dog petting, snack fetching, and Broadway plays…
XI. …even if it’s true.
XII. I can’t rig up funny traps for the bossy members.
XIII. Rigging up traps doesn’t count as official training for me or the so-called victims, actual wet blankets.
XIV. A goldfish in a bowl (with a castle!) can’t take my seat during meetings.
XV. I can’t mess with other people’s reports to make mine look less, uhh… bad.
XVI. Whoopee cushions aren’t real weapons.
XVII. I’m not allowed to sign someone else’s name on my report so they get in trouble.
XVIII. Mostly ’cause I’m gonna get caught really quickly and Saïx said if I’m gonna slack, I should do a better job of it.
XIX. I should disregard that last statement.
XX. Can’t run past Marluxia’s room and shout that his garden’s on fire.
XXI. Just ’cause we’re looking for hearts and all that doesn’t mean I can paint a heart on the back of my cloak.
XXII. Or anyone else’s cloak.
XXIII. Can’t say “not it” to get out of mission assignments.
XXIV. Lexaeus can’t fulfill requests to get extra days off for me.
XXV. Roxas and Xion don’t have to bark at people ’cause I say so and I outrank them…
But suuuure, Vexen can boss me around.
XXVI. Can’t use a sock puppet to soften the blow when I’m telling Saïx I didn’t do my reports… For three weeks…
XXVII. It’s not a supply deficiency if we’re out of soda and snacks.
XXVIII. No calling out sick on missions. Nobodies don’t get sick probably?
XXIX. Furthermore, missing a nap isn’t a sickness… I guess…
XXX. A musical number doesn’t take the place of training.
XXXI. Or paperwork.
XXXII. Or this list.
XXXIII. Or any task given to me by Saïx.
XXXIV. Except for fighting, which is technically a musical number for me.
I almost got away with that one…
XXXV. “No thank you” is not an acceptable response to missions.
XXXVI. May not wander the castle singing badly.
XXXVII. May not wander the castle singing well.
XXXVIII. I’ve been advised that hiding in Xiggy’s room, Atlantica, or the broom closet doesn’t make my problems go away.
but it sure saves me time, heheh
XXXIX. Not allowed to get the Organization caught up in little world issues like my favorite bakery running out of donuts.
XL. And no, Axel agreeing with me doesn’t make me right.
XLI. Filling out my report upside down and still badly doesn’t count as effort just because it took more work.
XLII. My time off can’t overlap with days we gotta work, no matter how much I whine about being tired.
XLIII. I’m not a doctor, so I can’t diagnose myself with needing indefinite bed rest.
XLIV. Vexen is a doctor, but he won’t “indulge this derisory misbehavior,” blah blah blah.
XLV. The only way to pass training standards is to train, not to beg Xaldin to lower his standards just a tiny little bit.
XLVI. It’s not even a little funny to tell the new members to meet me in the Foyer That May Someday Be.
XLVII. When I get a mission, I’m supposed to just do it. Not put the index card down the sink. Not ask why. Not whine whyyyyyy. Or fall asleep or pretend to fall asleep. Or dive behind a couch. Saïx will get really mad if I try to bribe him and he won’t jump on a change of subject, no matter how genuine. Complaining also won’t work. Even if it’s loud and to music.
XLVIII. A dark corridor isn’t a magic door and I definitely shouldn’t call it that.
XLVIV. Kingdom Hearts isn’t a magic moon and Saïx is gonna do something reeeaally bad if I call it that… I might’ve intentionally forgot. It was scary!
XLIV. It’s not funny to tell Xaldin to check his computer for class ten air leaks.
XLV. The Organization is not and will never be a band, so I can stop trying to name it now.
XLVI. A bad job can’t be dismissed as “really good training” or “showing everyone how not to do it, which is technically leading by example”.
XLVII. Not allowed to suddenly hug anyone without prior permission.
XLVIII. No, I’m not allowed to ask permission for hugs for the entire future.
XLIX. I can’t use not wanting to sweat as a reason to do, uhh, nothing.
L. “Huh?” is not a good answer to whether or not I understand a mission Saïx just explained for an hour.
LI. Starting a rave in my room won’t save me from a cleaning inspection.
LII. I don’t have feelings, but if I did, I can’t express them with two radios, a pack of fireworks, waterworks, and my sitar.
LIII. Saïx suggests that if I want to be heard so badly, I should fill out a report once in a while.